We’ve all heard of the thrill of new love, but what happens when that connection begins to fade? Fabienne Brugère, a philosopher and the president of Paris Lumières University, dives deep into the process of falling out of love in her latest book Désaimer – Manuel d’un retour à la vie (Unloving – A Guide to Returning to Life). Drawing from both personal experience and philosophical reflection, Brugère explores the often-overlooked aspects of romantic disillusionment—a subject that has been surprisingly under-discussed in the works of many famous philosophers, from Plato to contemporary thinkers.
In a world where much of our cultural conversation revolves around love’s beginning, Brugère shifts the spotlight to its end. She emphasizes that, just as we can’t truly understand love without acknowledging its complexities, we cannot ignore the reality that love’s end is a natural, though painful, part of romantic relationships.
Love’s End: A Natural Process
Falling out of love isn’t just an emotional or personal experience; it’s also a philosophical one. Brugère argues that this transition from love to disillusionment isn’t something to be ashamed of. Instead, it’s a profound transformation—one that reshapes our relationship with ourselves, with others, and even with the world around us. For most of us, navigating the end of a relationship is a process full of discomfort, confusion, and eventual renewal. And according to Brugère, that’s completely normal.
She points out that philosophy has often failed to address the “other side” of love. While romantic love has been extensively studied, its unraveling has often been glossed over. Brugère, however, argues that understanding the deconstruction of love can be just as transformative as understanding love itself. In fact, she believes that examining the signs of fading affection can help us better prepare for the emotional and existential shifts that follow a breakup.
The Subtle Signs of Disconnection
What does it look like when love fades? Brugère identifies key signs that show when a relationship is no longer thriving. According to her, the most telling indicators are often subtle and easy to ignore. For example, she highlights disagreements, boredom, and silence as some of the strongest early warnings that love might be fading.
Take disagreements: In the beginning stages of a relationship, arguments might feel more like a way to engage, to challenge each other, or even to reignite passion. But when love begins to fade, these disagreements can become more frequent and less constructive. They feel less like opportunities for growth and more like obstacles—obstacles that neither person is interested in overcoming. Instead of passionate discussions, they lead to frustration and distance.
Then there’s boredom. In the early stages, we’re excited about each other’s quirks and differences. We explore each other’s lives with curiosity. But over time, as the bond weakens, routine can feel suffocating. What once seemed interesting becomes monotonous. Brugère argues that boredom isn’t just a lack of excitement—it’s a signal that the emotional connection is no longer being nurtured.
Lastly, there’s the creeping presence of silence. In the beginning, shared moments of quiet can be comfortable—almost peaceful. But as love fades, silence often becomes a more awkward or uncomfortable presence. Instead of feeling like a peaceful pause, it becomes a space that reveals the absence of connection. Communication dwindles, and what was once a vibrant exchange of thoughts and emotions turns into a void.
Navigating the Emotional Transformation
So, how do we navigate the emotional transformation that comes with falling out of love? Brugère emphasizes that acknowledging these signs—disagreements, boredom, and silence—is the first step toward embracing the inevitable changes that come with the end of a relationship. Far from being something to avoid or deny, these moments can offer valuable insights into our own personal growth.
In my own experience, I’ve found that the hardest part of ending a relationship isn’t always the initial breakup but the slow, creeping realization that things have changed. It’s like standing on a bridge, looking back at something familiar, and realizing that the road ahead no longer leads where you thought it would. But once we accept the reality of these changes, we open ourselves up to the potential for renewal and transformation. It’s like clearing the emotional clutter to make space for something new.
A Guide to Moving On
In Désaimer, Brugère offers a philosophical lens to understand how to cope with heartbreak and the aftermath of a failed relationship. For her, it’s about reclaiming agency over our own lives and emotions. While love’s end is undeniably painful, it can also be a powerful opportunity for self-discovery. She suggests that we can view this process not as an ending but as an opening—a chance to reconnect with ourselves, to rediscover what makes us whole, and to prepare for the future with a clearer sense of who we are and what we need.
By focusing on personal growth during these difficult times, we learn to reframe the end of love as a necessary step in our evolution as individuals. Just like the growth that happens after a physical injury, emotional recovery often requires us to go through discomfort before we can heal and emerge stronger.
Fabienne Brugère’s approach to unlove is an insightful exploration of how the fading of romantic love offers an opportunity for personal reinvention. By recognizing and understanding the signs of a relationship’s decline, we can approach heartbreak with a sense of clarity and even acceptance. Love’s end doesn’t mark the conclusion of our emotional journey—it’s a chapter in a much larger story of self-discovery and renewal.
